Making of the seven pound candy bar.

Original Making of the seven pound candy bar. Editable
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If you are a chocolate snob, go away. Don't read this. You'll be horrified when you hear what I did, and sickened when you see the results. Now, if you enjoy eating candy by the pound then by all means read on.

This was inspired from a series of Snickers Bar ads, wherein a medieval person would go on a rampage and describe a Snickers bar as a feast. My roommate, who could be a food critic but loves food too much to say anything critical, disagreed that a mere 4oz piece of candy could be considered a 'feast'. I proposed a forearm sized bar. This truly would be a feast, for one person at least. The next week, I began construction of a horrible monster: a candy bar that would be the size of a loaf of bread and weigh more than seven pounds when completed.

Making a 7 pound loaf of candy is not a small task. Needless to say, steps can be taken to make it as trivial as possible. Before starting, make all of your layers. Each layer is about 8-12 ounces, and each layer is covered by another half a pound of molten chocolate. Divide your chocolate in advance.


Better than Lucky Charms.

The bottom most layer is a cookie layer. Mortar and pestling turns a box of vanilla wafers into a bowl of vanilla crumbs. A bit of egg white acts as a binder and is then baked. For the record, those crumbs make a most delicious breakfast cereal.

The other layers are made by freezing slabs of material. Wrap each slab up in aluminum foil, and leave it in the freezer overnight. Each layer will be good to go as fast as you can melt the chocolate.

Regarding chocolate, being cheap and lazy makes the whole procedure much easier. Cheap means use Nestle chocolate chips. This stuff is barely tempered and is only suitable for chocolate chip cookies. As for tempering, be lazy. Don't temper it. Don't even try. There will be about four pounds of chocolate, more than any sane person should attempt. This means you'll have to keep the loaf in the fridge, a minor concession to the many hours of folding it saves.


2400 Calories and we are just getting started.

First, make your foundation slab. Use about a pound and aim for it to be at least a quarter inch thick.


The cookie layer was much more dense than expected.

Generally try to stack the layers in order of structural integrity or weight. The first layer is the giant vanilla cookie.


Frozen PB is easy to handle and not sticky.

Coat each layer with chocolate and immediately apply the next layer. This avoids unsightly air pockets and permits better bonding between layers. My second layer was chunky peanut butter. In hindsight, put a peanut butter layer near the top. The third layer was Nutella. No pic of that layer.


Caramel scored very high in exit surveys.

Blending two delicious foods is a sure fire way to make something even more tasty. Here, I melted an entire bag of caramels and mixed in an entire can of honey roasted peanuts to make the fourth layer. This was everyone's favorite part of the candy bar.

Finally, the bar was topped off with loose nuts and even more chocolate. After it cools, trim the excess chocolate from the base.


Despite my love of freakish cooking, I am actually very skinny.

Serve your candy loaf very carefully. It will not be easy to slice, and it will be messy to eat. However, it will be a feast of teeth rotting proportions. Eight people attended its unveiling, and we were only able to work through half the loaf. The entire confection contains approximately 15,000 Calories. Bon appetit!